In 1990, when I was 18 years old, unmarried and pregnant, headlines bemoaning single mothers screamed out from the front page of the papers:

One-Parent Trend Threatens Society

The Consequences of Single Motherhood

The Growing Problem of Single Mothers

Only to be followed up with narratives like this:

A sharp increase in single parent-led households since the 1970s had been met by a political and social narrative that single-parent families (c. 90% of them headed by women) were both a drain on the public purse and a root cause of social breakdown.

And finally this:

Dan Quayle Was Right: The social-science evidence is in: though it may benefit the adults involved, the dissolution of intact two-parent families is harmful to large numbers of children. Moreover, the author argues, family diversity in the form of increasing numbers of single-parent and stepparent families does not strengthen the social fabric but, rather, dramatically weakens and undermines society.

Decades before we would semi-collectively attempt to dismantle and decenter the patriarchy, I understood I was on my own. No one was shooting disapproving glances at my boyfriend (who would become my husband a few years later). It’s hard to describe the shame and embarrassment I felt; So much so, I bought a thin gold band, to at least appear as though I were married.

Being an unmarried or single mother has always been like a scarlet letter, but it was even worse back then. Had I gone the way of a Planned Parenthood appointment, I would have faced protestors and shouts of “Baby killer!” or “You’re going to hell!” But carrying the baby was apparently not the right choice, either.

So the looks of disdain and sidelong glances at my growing belly were one thing, but the headlines were another. They were a gut punch to my entire sense of self. Me? I was going to be the downfall of society? Me and this baby? Was this true? Were we a disgrace and going to drag the rest of society down with us?

What a heavy and unfair burden to bear.

Over the next three decades to follow, I made it my life’s work to be the best mother I could possibly be, with those headlines always running me down, but never mentioning why and how I became a single mom, never mentioning the men that made it possible.

Without belaboring years of sordid details, here’s quick recap: Baby at 19, married at 23, another baby at 25, only to be widowed at 26. Got remarried, another baby at 30. Divorced 10 years later. Single mom ever since, going on 14 years now. Those babies are now 34, 28, and 23. When people wonder why I still refer to myself as single mom, I am quick to point out, there is no second parent on the scene. Not physically, not financially, not emotionally. If you have grown kids, you most certainly understand how much parenting and support is still involved, even as it transitions to simply keeping the family close and connected.

And now, as my youngest is officially just about out of the nest, I’ve done a lot reflecting on our societal impact that I’d like to share with you:

My son (the oldest), was a star baseball player who served our country in the Navy, specializing in Aviation Electronics. He spent most of his time in Japan, and when he came back to Buffalo, landed an incredible job with a company that builds freeze dryers especially for the pharmaceutical and biotechnological industries. He owns a home, is a beast in the gym, and just a generally happy and well-liked guy. We’re only 19 years apart, so in many ways, we grew up together. I’m occasionally mistaken for his girlfriend or wife- nightmare for him, absolute delight for me.

My daughter (the middle child), is a Funeral Director. She completed her undergrad in Gerentology and continued her education to become a licensed Funeral Director, graduating Magna Cum Laude. She considers her work sacred, and believes it’s an honor to serve the families she works with and provide their loved ones with thoughtful and dignified care. To anyone who knows her, she’s usually the kindest, most compassionate and funny person they know. She is a gem of a human being and I get to be her mom.

And last but certainly not least, the youngest. The baby. She finished her undergrad in 3 years, Summa Cum Laude, and just graduated from Law School with her Juris Doctorate, where she served as President of the Student Bar Association (among many other associations and accolades). Recently, she had the incredible honor of giving the opening remarks for President Biden, when he visited her school for a portrait unveiling ceremony. She’ll take the bar this summer and will continue her work with a Buffalo law firm. She is funny and whip smart and bold and I am so proud to be her mom.

These kids. My Magnum Opus. They are the funniest people I know. They’re smart and kind and inclusive and tolerant. They love each other and they love me. What a life we’ve had.

So why am I writing about this now?

Because those headlines haunted me. They shamed me for being at the mercy of the men around me; partly by choice, but largely by circumstances I had little control over. My late husband was killed in a devastating car accident and my ex-husband was about to ruin us all, until I left, and rebuilt our family into the one we know today. None of those headlines ever addressed THE MEN. No woman leaves a situation to become a single mom, and carry the literal weight of the world on her own, unless it’s truly unsustainable. And it was. The point of it all is not a sense of victimhood, but the profound impact it had on my experience of motherhood.

I’m writing this now to honor my younger self, who was scared and embarrassed and ashamed. I see you girl, and I’m giving you your flowers. You got us here. And I’m writing this for the woman I am today- we did it. We DID it. They said we were the downfall of society and instead, we built beautiful, meaningful lives. All of us. We wondered and worried and cried and believed and we did it. I’ll never get over us.

And lastly, it’s a love letter to my three kids, who are the gas in my tank, the stars in my eyes, the reason for it all. I’d choose to be your single mom in every lifetime. I don’t think it gets better than this, and so I’ve rewritten more accurate headlines:

One Parent Trend: An Asset to Society

The Consequences of Single Motherhood: Happy, Well-Adjusted Kids and a Peaceful Family Life

The Growing Success of Single Motherhood

A sharp increase in single parent-led households since the 1970s had been met by a political and social narrative that single-parent families (c. 90% of them headed by women) are both an incredible resource for the public purse a root cause of social growth and improvement.

And finally,

Dan Quayle Was Wrong: The social-science evidence is in: Though it absolutely benefits the adults involved, the dissolution of intact two-parent families is not, in fact, harmful to large numbers of children. Moreover, family diversity in the form of increasing numbers of single-parent and stepparent families strengthens the social fabric and dramatically improves society. When children have one loving, stable and consistent parent, instead of family disruption and upheaval… They are shown to thrive and lead happier, more well-adjusted lives.

Just ask us. We’re living proof.

For more essays like this~ The Nest , Does It Ever Get Easier? [Spoiler: No], Your Kids are Watching You. Man Up., Taking the Long View, Life Requires Time and Space,