Even When it is So Dark I Cannot See, You Are There {Healing from Grief}

{This post was originally published at Creative and Free as part of a ten day series entitled, Scary Stories. “Some hope only grows in the dark.” Thank you to Christina Hubbard for opening up her space and sharing it with other women to bravely tell our scary stories.

The night Mark died was such an ordinary night, which has always been so strange to me. And sort of curious. How can the night you lose your childhood love, your best friend, your husband, the father of your children be so typical? How can the night he is killed in a one car accident be such an ordinary night? But it was.

December 28th, 1998. We were visiting my parents and by 9:00 that night, my kids were tucked in tight, fast asleep and dreaming. We had even said bedtime prayers including ‘God bless Daddy and keep him safe.’ I would later struggle with that 10 second prayer for years to come.

The details I remember in hindsight are sort of amazing to me. I think maybe our minds take certain snapshots during traumatic events so that eventually, it’s a story we can relive and retell whether we like it or not. My dad was in the next room watching Seinfeld- his nightly ritual- and I was at the kitchen table with my mom, painting my nails Magic Mauve.

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t really Magic mauve. Had it been magic, the phone wouldn’t have rung a few minutes later bringing the news of Mark’s accident and death…

Click HERE to finish reading over at Creative and Free.

Life Doesn’t Have to be Perfect to Still be Wonderful

Life doesn’t have to be perfect to still be wonderful. Woah. I don’t know where I saw this quote, but it’s having a big impact on me. Huge. Because I want life to be perfect. I’m pretty sure everybody does. But we all know it’s so not. Even on really, really good days it’s so not perfect. And sometimes when its not perfect, it can feel like its not good at all. That because of those things that continually scratch up the picture, the whole thing is a toss. And when I read this quote I am reminded of just how untrue that is.
At the risk of sounding cliche, I know that I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. So much more than I deserve. So much more than so many others. But there are still things that I wish were different. There are still things in life that I can’t change, that make it unperfect- and that just bugs me. And when I say “perfect”, I’m not talking about a bigger house or a better this or a better that- thinner, richer, blah, blah, blah. I’m talking about those things in our lives that we just wish weren’t so. Or were different. Or had happened. Or never happened. There are aches in my heart over parts of life that I have no control over. And no control is a very hard place to be.
Now, if you know me at all, you know I’m a Jesus-girl. (If you don’t know me, I’m a Jesus-girl) So I’m not talking about having no hope. I mean really, hope is all I have, with my biggest hope being that this earth and this life are not the end- that heaven is a real place with no more sorrow and no more tears. But this side of heaven, there is life. And life is so not perfect. There is a lot of joy and a lot of sorrow. A lot of ups and a lot of downs too. But I want to embrace it all as parts of a whole that is still really good. And I want to fully understand that it doesn’t have to be perfect to still be wonderful. Because some day, in heaven, it will be perfect. And that will be wonderful too.